Office Exercises That Leave You Dead Tired

Reproducing a satiric email:

"Have you wondered why office staff is alwayz dead tired by the end of the day and companies really require no further physical fitness programmes for their employees. The reason is that EVERYONE gets enough exercise by:

1. Jumping to conclusion



2. Beating around the bush
3. Running down the boss
4. Going around in circles
5. Dragging their feet
6. Passing the buck
7. Climbing the ladder
8. Wading through paperwork
9. Pulling strings
10. Throwing their weight around
11. Stretching the truth
12. Bending the rules
13. Pushing their luck

NO WONDER THEY ARE ALL TIRED AT THE END OF A WORKING DAY!!"

Toyota New Model Launch

"Received this in email today"

Dear all,
With the current petrol prices skyrocketing, Toyota has pre-emptively launched a new model to capture the market up-front. According to reliable sources, this new model does not run on petrol or diesel. It is a new technological breakthrough in engine design using only biodegradable materials and with very low maintenance.
To avoid any last minute rush or stock out, please book early!

Been Conned Knowingly

Yesterday, after my visit to the dental surgeon to fix a perennial gummy problem, I returned straight home instead of back to office. Just minutes after I reached home, at around 5 plus, this middle-aged Indian lady and a plumish teenager carrying a picture of an Indian deity on a metal plate containing $2 notes presumably from donors, came by and stood outside my locked metal-grill-gate, asking donation for the temple.

I initially waved them away but the lady kept saying "donate any amount, 20 cts, 50cts also can". Just so they can move on with their 'donation drive', I dug out 50cts from my impoverished wallet and drop it onto the metal plate.

The moment the coins clanked, the lady asked, "you want lottery number?"

The dormant gambling gene in me came alive and said "ok".

"Stand in front of the deity and the boy will chant for the numbers"

I stood where I was, at a slight angle to the deity's picture. She nudged me with her right arm through the gate to move a little to the right while the boy started to chant like a "tangkee" (hokkien term for medium) for about 15 secs or so. It could have gone on longer if not for my fidgetting as I thought the whole thing was getting a bit weird. The Indian lady mentioned the "tangkee" word to me.

"Give me a piece of blank paper", she said after the chanting stopped.

I Searched and handed her a DBS flyer on CPF profits/loss calculation and told her to write on the blank spaces. She tore off a small piece and handed to the boy who looked like he was still not out of his amateurish trance yet. He started scribbling on the paper after what seemed like a cue from the lady, then crunch it and continued to chant some more.

"So can I have the numbers?" I asked.
"Wait" and she started writing on another piece of paper and showed it to me.
$29.65.
"Do I buy these 4 numbers?"
"No. He will give you the numbers & pointed to $29.65 on the paper"
"What? I don't have that much on me ." while at the same time aching to know that magical 4-D.
She kept pointing to $29.65 on that piece of paper.
To satisy my greed curiosity, I dug out about $15 from my wallet and gave it to her.
She counted and said not enough. I said no more. She persisted and I dug out another 3 two-dollar notes. Total $21 and thought she would hand me the 4D. No. still not enough. I had $2 left which I intended for lunch next day in case I couldn't find time to go to the ATM. To appease her, I dug out all the coins (about a dollar or so) and told her I had nothing left. She took the piece of $29.65 paper back from me and kept pointing the figure to me.
She started counting all the notes again and mumbled something to the boy, possibly about not getting the full amount from me . Almost 25% off their target. I could sense she was not totally satisfied, but nonetheless took the crunched paper from the boy's hand and handed it to me.

"Just for you only. Cannot tell anybody else, The number is only for you".

"If you strike, must go to the temple in Gu Chia Chwee and offer flowers and sweets and such".
(Yes, she said Gu Chia Chwee and she meant that famous Indian temple in Chinatown).

"Buy on Sunday, 10 Big 10 Small. Must give angpow to us when you strike"

Subconciously, I thought I saw through the hoax and yet played along with it. Why did I play dumbass? Or was I secretly hoping for that elusive lucky strike. Only time will tell. Three days to be exact. Only thing I certainly hope if it comes true, that it's got no occult connection, but just pure coincidence or LUCK.

Why I ain't leaving with boss

I’ve been asked by all and sundry why I didn’t follow (I ain’t no bitch dog, u know) go along with the boss to her new job as is the tradition with higher management in this company to bring along their assistant when they switch job or get promoted to another job. Here’s the skinny truth (I swear) since people are wont to speculate and create their own juicier versions which in most instances veer towards the untruth.

“Thanks YY. You've been one of the best bosses I've ever worked for. In fact, one of only two lady bosses (the other being BB) and proof that ladies can make even better bosses (with due respect to D and A of course).

What made me dithered in continuing to support you in your new role is more to do with my personal decision to slow down a little in the last lap of my working life in the corporate world. I can foresee this new role of yours is an even more demanding and dynamic one that will require more from the assistant. Nevertheless, I'm deeply honoured and touched by your invitation for us to continue our close working relationship. Thanks for remembering me.

I am definitely going to miss the boss/assistant bond built over the past years and the inimitable camaraderie that has evolved under your leadership.”

Guess Strawberry's Sex

Anagram

Regurgitated another email:

"This has got to be one of the cleverest E-mails I've received in awhile. Someone out there either has too much spare time or is deadly at Scrabble."

DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM

PRESBYTERIAN:
BEST IN PRAYER

ASTRONOMER:
MOON STARER

DESPERATION:
A ROPE ENDS IT

THE EYES:
THEY SEE

GEORGE BUSH:
HE BUGS GORE

THE MORSE CODE:
HERE COME DOTS

SLOT MACHINES:
CASH LOST IN ME

ANIMOSITY:
IS NO AMITY

ELECTION RESULTS:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT

MOTHER-IN-LAW:
WOMAN HITLER

SNOOZE ALARMS:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S

A DECIMAL POINT:
IM A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES:
THAT QUEER SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
TWELVE PLUS ONE

AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:
PRESIDENT CLINTON OF THE USA:
When you rearrange the letters
(With no letters left over and using each letter only once):
TO COPULATE HE FINDS INTERNS

Success in the Eyes of God

Someone sent me this today. A godly way of defining success by:
Clark Kellogg in Heart of a Champion. (a heir to that successful breakfast cereal empire?)

Key Bible Verse: Our goal is to stay within the boundaries of God's plan for us (2 Corinthians 10:13, NLT).

To me, success is fulfilling my destiny.

Relationally, success is fulfillment in who I am. Who I am is defined by my relationship with God. It's finding contentment and peace in that relationship. Everything else flows out of that.

Professionally, success is finding my particular purpose according to what my gifts and abilities and passions are, then excelling by utilizing those gifts and abilities for God's glory and as a means to sustain myself financially.

Materially, success doesn't mean that I have everything I want, but that my family's needs are met and we're still in a position to give—both financially and of ourselves—to the betterment of other people. It's been said that money can buy you a house, but it can't buy you a home; it can buy you a bed, but it can't buy you sleep; it can buy you a lot of things, but it can't buy you true love or peace. I believe that.

Success involves modeling for my kids a vibrant, living relationship with God. Doing that impacts every area of my life: the handling of my resources, the way I treat people, and the way I carry myself in every venue. That, to me, is what being successful is.

—Clark Kellogg in Heart of a Champion

Shagged

Ha ha, I'm so happy that someone is ill. Wicked, wicked me. No lah, just a fever! If anything more serious, I would be worried for her.

See, I'm physically and mentally spent, and if she isn't forced to take a break, I would have been the one to break down. Hell, she's been working at breakneck speed and yours trully, (being her 'highly-paid office-maid' & a decade older than her) have been huffing and puffing along. My neck hasn't broke yet but my other body parts have taken some harsh beatings, resulting in all kinds of aches - stomachache, headache, armache, legache, fingerache, every which ache. I just feel so shagged by office rigmaroles.. (damn, you wish it were the raunchy shag by the dudes of LOTR (Orlando Bloom) LOST (Josh Holloway), even the good old 007 (Pierce Brosnan) .....what the hell... hallucinating... in dude-dom..... drool on ......oo oo ooah......@#%$^&^@ loud thud..on the butt...get back to work lah .:-(

WFR

The company's into another on-going exercise code named WFR.
Three letters that spell fear, joy or relief because they gotta announce Which Farker Fellow to Release!

Man, if you're on this Work Force Reduction head-roll call, you'll probably start shedding tears (yes, I heard from HR that some guys actually wept when handed their letters in previous exercises) if you belong to one or more of the following categories:

• got wife, children, father, mother, dog, cats to feed (last 2 at least can give away);
• loan instalments to pay off;
• long-term medical bills;
• 101 other monetary commitments;
• skills that can't cross over to other sectors;
• jobs suited to your skills have thousands competing for them;
• not easily retrainable;
• of that age that ageist employers deem unemployable;

On the other hand, you would be secretly gloating or openly grinning from ear to ear ('cos the 'goodbye' package is among the better ones in the industry) if you belong to one or more of the following groups:-

• already planning to leave anyway;
• working for a boss from hell;
• suffering from burn-out;
• already planning for early retirement;
• have no straggling financial commitments;
• best of all, already have a job offering elsewhere;
• don't even need to work in the first place (lucky devil, u!) (then again, why were u depriving someone more in need of a job then?)

A blessing in disguise, you would say, and can't wait to blow that corporate goodbye kiss.

When has the world ever been fair?

Pubic Fashion

Someone call the fashion police, quick!

This MRT commuter wore such low-rise pants that her exposed pubic hair raised many many eyebrows. Can the fashion police charge her for indecent exposure?

Clueless fashion slave, gross fashion faux pas!

Heard of the brazilian wax? No? Just do the good old-fashioned shave or pluck (ouch!) or cover up if you can't take pain.

Hairy bozos, watch that wardrobe malfunction, lest you stimulate shocks on the Harrys, Dicks & Toms in public.

Peeves

Some people have pet peeves. Duh! Who needs peeves for pets?

Whatever, I hope the following peeple do not cross my path again:-

RUBBISH DUMSPTER
Peeple who put their rubbish in plastic bags & get mother, son, daughter help lug one each down to the lift landing and dump it outside the lift door!
I asked this well-saried English-speaking woman why could'nt she discard the bags downstairs and she gave an asinine reply that she didn't know where. At least she did not spout rubbish when I said it was dangerous to leave them at the lift door landing as it might catch fire. She stayed dumb.

DRIVERS WHO IGNORE PEDESTRAINS AT ZEBRA-CROSSINGS
Drivers who do not stop at zebra-crossings (pedestrain crossing where right of way is accorded to the pedestrain). Don't tell me you stop only when you see a zebra! Cameras should be installed at some of these crossings, especially the one near my home and next to a primary school. Many a times, drivers simply ignore me and just drive on even when I wear striped clothing! Once, I had already crossed over to the midpoint of this 2-way lane and the car coming from the other side blatantly drove past. The next time, I'm going to jot down the vehicle number & report it.

HUMAN SKUNK IN MRT TRAIN
I hopped into a jam-packed MRT train one morning rush hour and found myself smouldered by this foul smelling odour coming from god-knows-where. Other commuters with hands pressed against their noses were looking about to see where the skunk was. The obnoxious odour refused to diffuse even when the door opened at each station. Every time the door closed, that breath of fresh air got immediately sucked up by the overpowering stench. I might have fainted (yes I could hardly breathe in the contaminated air) if the next interchange had been too many stations away. Thankfully, it was just 2 stops away from where I boarded and when the crowd dispersed,I scampered towards the middle of the less crowded train, a good number of carriages away.

I hate it now that I've to join the rush hour MRT crowd just so I can get to office in time to catch these US folks before their work day ends over the other side of their continent.

PEEPLE WHO PEE IN LIFTS
These peeple either do not have toilets at home or suffer from incontinence, or are just simply animals in human clothings. But then, even dogs do not water down any ground they trod on.

A good (old-fashioned) bra is like a good (old) friend

For the men, it would have to be,

er..good grief... oops brief , ie,

for the two down south.

GM Vegetable ??

Two's Company

Three's A Crowd

Double-headed green colony

Three-some greengy

The pix speak for themselves. Green Siamese Twins. Plus Triplets to boot! Not just one occurrence but in multiples.
More then half in a sealed plastic package I bought from a HDB wet market were either conjoint twins or triplets!
Are they safe for consumption?
Has the Agri-Food & Veterinary Authority (AVA) come across such abnormalities?
Has genetically modified vegetables started sprouting on Sgp soil?

Human Chop

I was having dinner at my sis' place & during our tete-a-tete, the conversation veered towards the recent senseless butchering of a China lass for reasons yet to be dissected in upcoming court scenes. Who in his right mind would do such a heinous act?

Me: What's the whole point of chopping the dead person up? She's already dead.

Sis: (steeped in the school of superstitions)According to people who believe in the dead returning, this one wouldn't be able to do so in one piece to exact vengeance, for he/she would not have legs to walk back to take revenge.

Me: (rolls eyes) Heard of floating head? (tongue-in-cheek)

Sis: Killer can still run, since no hands to grab him.

Me: Well, I guess for someone who dares cut up a human body, I doubt he'll flinch at flying body parts. For all you know, he might use his daggers/lightsabers ala Darth Sidious to further slice or ward them off , short of making mincemeat out of the dismembered parts.

Gross.....morbid thoughts...as I reach out to scoop a piece of meat from my soup bowl...

Sis: I hear too that people staying in the same block where the butchering took place are now too scared to take the lift in the dead of night, whether alone or with company.

Me: Eee..rie... I think I better leave for home soon before night falls & human imaginations start running wild
or worse still, degenerate into brainless ghost gawkers ala ghost-spotters at Bukit Batok West as reported in yesterday's NewPaper http://newpaper.asia1.com.sg/news/story/0,4136,90466,00.html?

SGP Nipplegate Unlocked

Back to blogdom after an involuntary hiatus, I saw it coming - the sorta Akan Datang (Coming Soon) at the end of a movie trailer.

In this case, it's the whip & faster than one can say nay, nay, the riders of the moral high horses went neigh, neigh at that arty farkty crazy foal aka SPG. Who needs Crasy Horse Paris? The arty farty with the moolah to flash. Ai kua angmoh neh neh Si Beh Qwee leh, ... Na Beh.

buayas/voyeurs, (animal/man/woman/uncle/auntie) free show like this is hard to come by if not prohibited in decent land. So, enjoy while it lasts.

As the brouhaha subsides, history's gonna repeat itself sooner or later in yet another clueless expressionist/exhibitionist someday somewhere, giving mankind reason yet again to unleash unkind species upon another of its kind.

R & R

TGIF... Thank Goodness, It's Friday! Time for relaxation and recreation...

but before I head off to de-stress, this post's about a different kind of R&R : race & religion which happen to be touchy touchy matter that can turn any race mad. When people get touchy-feely, the world needs no mother nature a la holocaust, tornado, tsunami, you name it..erh.. her rather.

So it came as no surprise to read in last weekend's Sunday Times of a Singaporean Public Service Commission Scholar who came under rabid, i mean rapid fire for penning racist remarks in his private blog which 'inadvertently' became public. His scholarship sponsor is currently looking into the matter (to take appropriate action?? even after he had already issued a public apology). So touchy is the issue that even his parents had to step forward to defend and apologise on his behalf as well.

Isn't it 'safer' to watch, talk or partake the adrenalin-pumping Formula One. Racer or racist....you decide, just don't leave behind skid marks on your race track that's sure to raise hell.

Coincidentally, one of Asia's most popular weblog belonging to the opinionated profanity-spewing blog-gal Xiaxue, had her ire raised to epic proportions in her Monday's no-holds-barred outburst on religious representatives' handling of eulogies & evangelism at a friend's wake. It was submitted as her article for her weekly column in a Sunday tabloid, but for obvious reasons, the editors vetoed it.

So there, the 'touch-me-if-you-dare' twin Rs. Boo! you two are too taboo.

Bring on all the Bling

Like to share a snippet from some past week-end Business Times. (Hmm, why m i forever behind time, no time, making time, taking my time.. ..& every time i tell the garang guni man when he comes by to clear my ever increasing stacks of newspapers, i have no time to finish reading 'em......see, my weakest link is time, time & time again.. but i digress, blog time another time).

Here goes ...and be dazzled...
" How many diamonds can a gal have? Never too many, apparently. One top jewellery company is said to have a customer who chalked up 56 unique transactions at its stores in just a year. That's more than one transaction per week. And to top it off, the number only reflects transactions, not items bought. So the customer could have bought many pieces of jewellery each time. Such a feat could only be accomplished by a woman. As they say: "the men don't get it". "

Filthy Rich, or some say Nouveau Riche..
Whatever le envy..envy..

Murphy's Law

Had a run-in with the law ... hold it, don't gasp yet...not the law of the courts but that of a person by the name of Murphy! Have to go dig up his story later & figure if there's any link with this ez-link card story...

Here's how it started..on that eventful star-struck afternoon on the way up the bus, couldn't locate this card that I should never leave home without. Took the seat just behind the driver & continued flipping thro' the stack of cards in my foldable Converse wallet. Then dug into my haversack for that Ferragamo wallet where I keep the rest of my cards in a less haphazard manner. No ez-link card in sight! Haiz! No easy task riding a bus.

Ah, can pay by coins, but how much? Asked driver. 80cts. Shucks..counted only 75cts in my wallet, where to find extra 5 cts coin...panic button still on...how can say 'lend me 5cts, pay you back another time' to strangers. Thinking back, someone might have just given me five worthless cents if I had asked but then, it never occured to me to go a begging.

Driver realised my dilemma & asked 'how much you have?' 5 cts short. Instructed me to throw whatever I have into the coin box. In the process, one coin slipped out of my fingers onto the floor of the driver's seat. Oh golly! butter fingers. The ever cool & patient driver just punched the ticket console & I hurriedly collected my ticket (after some fumbling) from the old fare box where previously, the commuter inserts his card & manually punch the correct fare button & out pops the ticket.

On my way back, while musing over the day's experience, missed alighting at the usual stop. Arghh, gotta walk an extra bus-stop distance back, cos' not enough coins left (I changed just a dollar at the supermarket earlier, enough for the bus-ride home). So began a long walk under the scorching sun back to Dorset (via Essex, Derbyshire, Carlisle) from U.S. (United Square!) lugging a couple of bags of groceries...haiz..

Back home, turned my shorts' pockets inside out but no ez-link card! $30 worth of fares missing...sigh...
checked wallet to see if enough dough left to buy a new card. Surprise, surprise, as I flipped thro' the cards once again, there was the ez-link card, snuggled between my name cards. Case of cards fraternising too much..ha..

Star-Struck

For the first time in my life, I took the trouble to go to a local celebrity's album autograph session just to show my support for local talent.

Was a little hesitant to join the queue of mostly young fans moving forward on the make-shift stage to get their idol's signature. So just stood by to marvel at the hopelessly devoted fans screaming or rather synchronising their screams.

Finally plucked up enough courage to grab a copy of the album nearby & walked through the unblocked passage at the front of the stage but was promptly told by security to go another route instead to join the queue. I swiftly headed the direction they pointed but ended up behind closed barricades. Bleah... session over, the policeman on duty told me. However, he was kind enough to signal to the event personnel on stage that there was still one more to go. Was told to crawl under the zig-zag pattern barricade to get through. I rather jump over but my tight jeans didn't allow the flexibility. So I did the unthinkable, & crawled under that small triangular opening just to get up close and personal with the star......

Just hope no one I know saw what took place...or they would have raised their eyebrows at this overaged 'teen' struck with star-struck syndrome .......... hmmm ...kinda reliving a second teenhood.....time regression...mentally ....why not the physical body......ha..ha..hallucinating..........

Mid-Life Crisis

The start of a new dawn heralds a new beginning for most mortals. Not for me. I dread the dastardly drudgery of daylight living. The daily grind of office work & perennial housework slowly extinguishes whatever tiny sparks that keep this jaded being from totally wearing out.

Thankfully, I managed to slip away for that long overdue weekly swim at the Aranda Club's tiny 'blue lagoon', followed by a steam-bath in scorching temperature that burns your skin like hell, but then some bearable sizzling not only revives your senses, it does good to near-arthritic joints so long as your epidermis does not end up like a roast suckling pig's!

On way home, decided to go punt for a better tomorrow. Went to the Toto outlet next to the Bedok Interchange to pick up Monday & Thursday draw tickets. This Indian shop is listed among the top outlets that have sold most winning tickets. Placing my bets at this outlet should mathematically increase the probability of hitting that jackpot, knowing full well that the odds of winning still remain as slim as ever. But dreams do sometimes come true.......with L-U-C-K.

Debut blog post

Wohoo! I finally got started on my blogging expedition and look forward to therapeutic value along the way.